Alright what’s up y’all? Its been about two months since Part 1 of “What is Love”. And I figured now is a good time as ever to drop part 2, with it being wedding season and what not.
Fun Fact, Y’all wanna know how I know that I’ve never been in love?
Anyone of my ex-girlfriends can text me right now and I’d feel absolutely nothing. No remorse, hatred, happiness, relief, nothing. These are the girls that I thought would be in my life forever, literally couldn’t imagine life without them. Regardless if the relationship worked out or not. I wanted them to always be in my life due simply to the fact that they understood who I was and accepted me as I am.
Kind of like what Ross and Rachel had going on. (Without them getting back together).
But that was the ideal situation. I used to think that you could be friends with your exes, cause why the hell not. We were friends before we dated, why can’t we just go back to being that? But you know how that goes, nothing lasts forever.
My question is, how do you go from that feeling; of being in each other’s life forever, to feeling absolutely nothing towards them. The only reasonable explanation is that the feelings I THOUGHT I had for them, were completely fabricated. From where? Who knows?
How did we go from being excited to see your call or to get your text? To ignoring their half assed, “How you been” message.
I don’t hate you or anything. I just don’t fuck with you.
How did we get here?
But we’ll save that for the final post. For now, let’s go over what the rest of my friends had to say about love.
For me, I know I’m in love because I feel 100% like myself when I’m with her. I think people have to change a bit of themselves in different settings, whether that be at work or even around friends. I just feel like I’m the most “ME” around her.
People do tend to put on different faces when they’re in certain social situations. Just think about the concept of having a customer service voice, it’s the same thing. So, to pull an “Arya Stark” when you’re with your significant other, is comforting. In the sense of taking the mask off and revealing your true self.
I’ve never had an issue with being 100% myself when I’m alone with my gf. Off jump, they know I’m an odd fellow. You get the full James experience on the first date. One of my famous first date lines, “I’m racist against black people.” Always puts things in perspective for them.
The issue was never acting like myself when we were alone. But put me in different social situations and you get different faces. For instance, say we’re at the bar and drinks are in the equation; I might get jealous and insecure. I might get flirty and be all up on you. I might be distant. It’s honestly a flip of a coin and drinks aren’t to blame. It’s the setting and me personally are the blame.
Does the fact that I’m not consistently myself a clear indicator that I wasn’t in love?
For me, when I have a shitty day at work or have something on my mind, there’s no one I’d rather sit down and have a conversation with. Either about my day or what’s going on. I feel like it’s someone you are able to open up to, be comfortable with, and be vulnerable.
I really want to say that after a long stressful day all I want to do is unwind with my girl. Talk her ear off, open up to her about what’s going on with me, or just find some type of distraction from all the chaos that comes with my life. I really want to say that.
But honestly, after a stressful day. I wanna be alone.
If I need to unwind and relax, I’m either hitting the gym, the track, or the sticks. (Videogames) I know, I can do all these things with my girl. But come on, let’s be honest with ourselves. Who wants to do any of those things after a stressful day? (If you do, hit my inbox)
If there’s really something bothering me I’ma vent to one of these dipshits. Yes, my gf will fall in the category of dipshits, but she might not be at the top of the list.
In the sense of being completely vulnerable, that’s not me. There was a time in my last relationship where I was, and I literally wanted to throw up.
During a time where we just got done with school, she was moving away, I was thinking about moving even further away. In the sense of joining the Air Force. Just a bunch of nonsense was going on during that time. But in that situation, I knew things were going to end between us. It was just a matter of time. It was like fighting a losing battle. In terms of whether or not our future plans were going to line up with each other. In that situation I felt so vulnerable, so helpless in the eyes of utter defeat. That we in fact, had no future together. Coming to that realization months before the actual break happened, tormented me.
Love is like a teeter-totter; I would take all his pain away if it meant withholding mine for that moment. That even if I had a great day but his was horrible. I wanted him to know that I chose him over everything. One person falls for the other before the other falls for them. Then the other falls even harder. Love goes up and down with people falling even harder. Does it ever even out? If the person is willing to go down and give your side that boost, do we let them?
Sacrificing for your significant other for the name of love. Fuck that corny shit. There was a point in time where I was actually willing to do that. Even if that meant moving to a town in the middle of nowhere. Working a labor job for 40+ hours a week. And act like I was happy with my decision. I was that naive, thinking those sacrifices would save this doomed relationship.
Where do I go from here?
To be continued…..
Stay Woke Y’all