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The Unapproachable

This is a story about the Socially Awkward.

Remember Pizza parties? For as long as I can remember, I’ve always thought that school was all types of trash. I mean, not school in general. Just the classroom aspect. Which is like 90% of it. So 90% of school was the worst kind of trash. But those pizza parties, man they were the light at the end of the tunnel.

In the 9th grade my hands down favorite teacher surprised us with the idea of us having a pizza party. A wave of excitement rushed over the class. You would think the rest of school got canceled and summer was starting early. Safe to say kids were hyped.

Now, one of the main reasons why this was my favorite teacher was because she kept it real with us. The closest thing to a black teacher we were gonna get in Wyoming. (We actually had black teachers. I was just comparing her to the Obama’s.) She was about her money. She would buy snacks at Walmart or Dollar General and sell it to us so she was making a profit. Which you can’t even be mad at. Have you met a teenager before? Do you remember yourself as a teenagers? We were little bastards. So you can’t even be mad at her trying to get that bread. And we didn’t know at the time of course with us being blinded by sugar and junk food. So looking back at it I respected her hustle.

When she suggested that we have a pizza party. She was also suggested that we help pay for it. Which ended up being a couple bucks from each person. But it was the equivalent to asking everybody in squad for pitch ins for a bottle or a keg. And if you didn’t put in on it, you ain’t gettin any. (Wishful thinking) Once payment was established we set the date for the following Friday.

Everybody was surprisingly good with bringing money in for the party. Nobody wanted to be the kid that didn’t have pitch but was still expected to eat. Some of y’all should’ve kept that same energy further down the road.

Next Friday finally comes and it was time to grub. The Pizza came and we actually had enough money to get a few bottles of soda. We tossed a movie on the Smart Board. Yeah my school was privileged, enjoy that VCR player and box TV peasants. But, people were having a great time. Laughin, chattin it up with friends, passin notes. Not worrying about the stress that comes from pre Algebra and other school nonsense. Then the incident happened.

Party is dyin down, class is almost over, and everybody is finishing the remainder of the pizza. My teacher stands up and asks if anybody wants the last couple packets of Ranch. You know how Dominos make their ranch packets like little bowls? Yeah so she was offering up the last couple bowls of ranch. Few kids wanted some ranch so she was like, “Ok lets be civilized here. We’ll share the last packet. Either dip or drizzle some ranch on your pizza and pass it over. No double dipping.”

This is the part I remember as clear as day. As if it happened yesterday. This guy named Josh was the first one to get his hands on the ranch packet. Let’s talk about Josh for a min. How do I say this nicely…. He was the kid who wore matching camo shorts and jacket everyday to school. No matter what the weather was like. Having a tough time painting a picture still? Here’s a few more facts to describe Josh. He was about 6’5 and would grow his hair out past his shoulders then shaved it bald. For no particular reason at all. Josh was a guy who purposely made his voice sound deeper for so long people actually forgot what his normal voice sounded like. Let’s just say this guy was Unapproachable.

So, Josh gets his hands on the ranch first. Now, I should’ve known some weird shit was about to happen. The man had already ate his share of the pizza and had a empty ass plate in front of him. So instead of dipping his non existent pizza in the ranch, this man started to chug the ranch. THIS MAN STARTED TO CHUG THE RANCH. As he’s chugging his ranch flavored four loko. He’s making the most suspect slurping noise. Literally everybody in class stopped what they were doing just to watch this disturbing feat. Like I said before, Josh was 6’5 decked out in camo gear. Nobody was gonna call him out on anything. His bag was probably filled to the rim with doll heads for all we know.

Anyways, this man is slurping this whole thing of ranch. And I didn’t know what was more disturbing. The fact that he was chugging ranch as if he was alone in his basement also known as the murder hole. Or the fact that he didn’t look up from his book while he was doing it. So this guy is slurping away and I’m looking around asking myself if this is really happening. I see the fear on some of the students face like we were being held hostage at gun point. Being forced to watch this man put the fear of God into us. Even our teacher was shooked.

My mans finishes his beverage and notices everybody staring at him. And with no remorse he says, “What the fuck are you guys looking at.”

Ok, 1. Never curse in front of teachers. Kids who cursed in front of the teachers in the 9th grade were the same kids rocking the cookie monster sweats. Or the extra tall white t’s.

2. Don’t act like you didn’t commit a deviant act just now you fiend. Some of us are gonna need counseling after this.

3. I’m not saying shit to his guy. I wasn’t gonna end up in a ditch in his basement.

Then as if it was some scene out of a terrible comedy skit. The bell rings and everybody gets up and leaves without saying a word.

“Alright guys, don’t fuck with Josh apparently.”

That’s it for this post y’all. Let me know what you think. Sorry it was kind of long. Stay woke y’all.

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